Long time no see

Sorry guys, it’s been a busy few weeks for this girl. Lots of birthdays including my own, lots of stuff going on in and out of work. And this past week my mind has been preoccupied with my older of my 2 cats. Looks like i’ll probably have to say goodbye to her sooner than later, so i’m dealing with that. It hasn’t been easy.

For someone with anxiety, any time something bad happens it tends to throw a monster-sized wrench into the mix, more giant-sized than for other people who don’t suffer from anxiety. For us, our balance is so fragile already that it is almost unbearable to deal with the bad stuff. And that is the case for me. I have been crying off and on for days, had a panic attack (which is extremely rare for me) and am just generally terrified of the days ahead, and beyond that.

I have been going through all my coping mechanisms and have settled into a very fragile ‘normal’ for now. I’ll know more tomorrow at the vet. I have decided that if she is in a lot of pain, that’ll be that. But if not, I will wait until she has stopped eating/drinking/using the litter, the normal stuff, and having someone come to the home. We have a traveling vet here. My girl doesn’t travel well, and I don’t want her last moments to be stressful if I can help it.

What makes this really hard if i’m being honest is that my home is my sanctuary like many people, and that includes my two cats. Because I am single, this is all I have. I know I have a very supportive family, and great friends, but it’s not exactly the same. I don’t yet have kids of my own, and honestly the future really scares me because of that. I am very scared of being alone. I voiced that concern to my parents last weekend. Something I had at the time only ever told my therapist. I know now that it’s normal to feel this way when you’re single, as some of my single friends voiced that they’ve felt this way too. And of course, even if I do find someone, there is no guarantee there either.

It made me think that maybe I would be more helpful sharing those coping mechanisms with people as well, and not just my personal stories/experiences. And in my sadness/anxiousness I started writing down some ideas. I will figure out how best to share these. But I think for now, I want to keep working on it quietly. It will give me something to focus on while I grieve.

My pets are very important to me, and it will be really devastating when she goes. She is my first ever furbaby that was mine, not including family pets. It is going to be really hard. But I love her enough that I don’t want her to suffer and I will not be selfish and keep her around just for me.

One thing I decided was to focus on the things that I can control more and not so much the things that are out of my control. Those are the things that give me the most anxiety anyhow.

On that note, I am going to close there. I find writing really good for me too, so it’s helped putting this into words actually. I will be back next week if all goes well.

Until next time!

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Fast February

Hey all!

Can you believe how fast February flew by? I certainly can’t. It was a really eventful month for me. Lots of parties, lots of work, lots of changes. I have been loving the new 131 program i’m doing, and learning so much. This past week, I learned that not all sweeteners are created equal. And because of that, I ended up messing with my progress. Also found some hidden carbs in the sausages I was eating! It is challenging, but also very rewarding. And I am excited to have another week of great results.

One thing the program really emphasizes is that it is not a diet. They do not want you to fail. Nobody can be perfect all the time, and you need to be prepared for that. What that means, is that if you slip up, get back on track right away. Don’t wait till after my vacation, or next monday, or whatever it might be. Just keep going. And that has really resonated with me. Also, this being a ketogenic diet at its base, it does help seeing the difference between being in ketosis and not. And what it takes to get and stay in it. It motivates me to stick to it more than I ever thought it would. And I am on track to lose almost 20 lbs in my first month. I’ll take that any day!

March means my birthday is coming. And i’ll be 34 this year. Scary to get older. I struggle a lot with that feeling that I am not where I wished I was at this age. I think that’s pretty common, but sometimes it’s hard to deal with. And this weekend I really struggled. Being the only single person in my family, being one of the few in my friends, it’s hard. But it doesn’t do to dwell on the bad either. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I have to just take better care of myself so I can get to where I want to be.

A new month also means my subscription boxes coming in! I love them. As a gift to myself last year I signed up for fabfitfun, and singlesswag. I wouldn’t have signed up for both, but I liked the idea of getting a box every month with singlesswag. Fabfitfun is only every season. It’s kinda nice trying out all the new products. Singlesswag is a bit pricier since I get it every month, but fabfitfun I find pretty affordable given it’s every 3 months, and look at what you get! I am deliberately not looking at the photo because I kinda like the surprise lol. I will never recommend anything that I haven’t used/tried myself. You can use promo code Welcome10 too if you want to try it out.

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What I also like is that you can customize it. Several of the items, you get to pick between two different products, whatever you prefer. Sometimes 2 totally different products, or for example, the choice of color for clothing or an accessory. And you have the option to add some things on, lots of offers on the site for extras if you want to. I ended up signing up for a year myself because it was cheaper. That was my Christmas present to me.

Singlesswag is also really fun, you get a bunch of little things, some beauty-related, some otherwise, and each box comes with a snack. Sometimes you have to treat yourself! And I love the surprise in the mail. It gives me something to look forward to. Here is what I got last month from them:

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I ended up having my last therapy session this week. A lot that I had been dealing with has resolved itself. My therapist was happy to see my progress. Sometimes you just need a few sessions to get back on track and talk things out. I just really need to take better care of myself really. I have to make sure this time I do it, that I pay down my debt, and lose this weight. Meal planning really really helps with both, and I just need to continue doing that and making other smart choices. Shopping for sales, and no unnecessary spending! I know that I can do it, I just have to remind myself where I want to be at the end of the year.

By the way, I am very open to suggestions. I want to keep this blog going and help people who also struggle with the same issues. I am by no means an expert, but I have made a lot of progress in the last 2 years and am genuinely a different and better person for all the struggles I went through and if I can help or answer ay of your questions, I would love that, so ask away, and please comment away! Would love to get your feedback.

I was hesitant about adding the link for the subscription boxes, but it’s something that makes me happy, and the other things I have shared so far, I am not affiliated with them, but they do help me a lot. I just want to share things with you that help me and make me happy in case they might do the same for you!

Until next time!

Hello from the other side!

Lol.

Sorry, sometimes I have a little too much fun with the titles of my blogs, other times I just write whatever first comes to mind. This time was a bit of both 🙂

Sorry I didn’t post last week. I realized Sunday night while in bed that I had forgotten. It wasn’t my intention, life just happens sometimes. And it’s crazy how much can change in 2 weeks!

I have since lost about 13 lbs believe it or not! I started a new plan (not a diet) called the 131 by, you guessed it, Chalene Johnson lol. I may have a problem, but I could have worse ones! I seriously love everything she puts out there. You should check her out everywhere she is.

So basically, it’s more like an experiment on your body, seeing how it reacts to certain food, by removing them from your diet. The first phase is more or less a keto diet. Now, I was terrified to give up my carbs, let me tell you. Really terrified lol. But I gotta say, given the fact that I lost almost 8 lbs this past week alone, without any exercise, well it’s encouraging me to keep at it. That and knowing a new phase starts in 2 more weeks. Eating out is the most challenging, so it’s encouraging me to eat in more as well, and meal plan.

As we speak I have a pork tenderloin and 4 chicken breasts in the oven. I’ll be having the chicken with a caesar salad (yes, believe it or not, this is keto friendly when done right, even if you add bacon to it!) And the pork tenderloin will be paired with mushrooms and cauliflower rice. So basically that speaks for about 7 meals already and I will have some sausages and roasted cauliflower and broccoli for the rest of my meals. Who says cooking for one is hard!

I am not knocking weight watchers or anything, but I realized that even on that, I would eat well for breakfast and lunch, but then pig out at dinner, so it wasn’t really changing how I looked at food, and not encouraging me to think outside the box. I wouldn’t encourage a keto-like diet long-term because it isn’t meant for that, and like anything else, people plateau, but that is why I love the 131. There are SO many resources available for members and so much research done in this, it’s so INTERESTING. I love it. And I am just excited to see how far I go in my first round of 12 weeks. If I keep going at this rate, it’s going to be interesting!

I know it won’t always continue to this degree, and I know i’m losing a lot because I have a lot to lose, but it’s a great start! And there’s a real possibility of me hitting my goal this year. For once! And if I keep at it, it will help me towards my financial goals too, so that’s a bonus.

I have also found, and not sure if it’s because of the encouraging results, or the eating habit change, but I find my anxiety is way lower recently. I hope it continues!

I can’t remember if I ever got into the law of attraction in my blogs yet, but it is something that I relate to. You can check out an old blog of mine here. But I just brought it up because I have found so many things happening lately for the better. And all these synchronicities. So hopefully that means I am on the right track. Just gotta let things go that are out of my control and go with the flow and let the universe take over. When you do that, things just start to happen big and small!

Alright, well for now that is all she wrote, I will be back next week, I promise 🙂

 

 

Already Sunday!

This week was a pretty good week despite some work stress. I have a bad habit of letting work derail my fitness/health goals. I tend to skip workouts and pick bad food up on the way home. I have to find a way to channel the stress in different ways. Gotta get into better shape once and for all! And what a waste of money. So I tend to meal plan on Sundays, and this week I made roasted veggies and yogurt chicken (chicken dipped in yogurt and then breadcrumbs), and made some roasted tomato soup with my new immersion blender. I am in LOVE lol.

We have to find ways to make it easier on ourselves and get out of the same patterns. I say we, but I am including myself in that. I have to change my relationship with food, and make sure that I find the right time to exercise every day. The exercise i’m doing now, Piyo is a shorter workout, so I have no excuses. And I love it, because I can see my progress as I keep going with it. And I decided that I needed to do something different when it comes to my eating, so I took the next step in my Chalene Johnson obsession lol and I joined the 131 diet. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes, but i’m really excited about it. I ended up wishing Chalene happy birthday on Snapchat and sung her praises, and she encouraged me to try it out. I know that it’s her business, but i’ve loved everything she’s put out there, and she really does seem like she genuinely wants to help people. She doesn’t need to message back everyone who writes her a message, and that’s not the first time she does with me.

I don’t know much about the diet yet, but it seems like it will be what we make of it. It does include intermittent fasting, which i’ve enjoyed, and I think part of it at least will be low carb eating, which scares the HELL out of me, let me tell you, but i’ve seen others have such success with it, and I figure it’s worth a try, even if I try for just a couple of weeks. I need to do something different. I am tired of the struggles with my weight. I will fill you in with how it goes, but it is already cheaper than weight watchers, so plus there, and I haven’t been sticking with weight watchers at all honestly. And this plan comes with a lot of research, expert interviews, and the first week, literally you don’t change your eating habits, it’s all about working on your mindset, and that is something I need. There is talk about hormone regulation as well, and let’s face it, that will help with my anxiety, and occasional bouts of depression.

I am not sure I mentioned the depression, but for me I link it to when I go off my birth control, so once I realized the correlation, I know it’s not something I need to worry about unless I go off the pill at some point, which I assume one day I will.

I had a great night at my friend’s birthday party last night. Broke the ice with my friend who I started this blog talking about. I could tell she was nervous as I was at the beginning, but the awkwardness went away quickly, and I am happy. She is a good friend honestly, and I didn’t want this to interfere with our friendship, or my friendship with her boyfriend who i’ve known for it must be almost 17 years now.

I am super excited about this upcoming week, and starting it off right with trivia at my favorite bar again! I missed the atmosphere. I can’t remember if i’ve mentioned it but every Monday I play trivia at a pub with some friends, and earlier this year we followed the guy who used to host it to a different bar. We weren’t really enjoying it, and the same team kept winning, so we decided to go back to our old place, and not only did we love it, but we won! Now, I am not saying winning isn’t fun, but I prefer when there’s a more even playing field, which there seems to be there. So as long as it’s not the same team winning week after week (including us) i’ll be happy.

I spent some time this week beating myself up because I have a friend, who used to be my best friend up till last year, who just has never been reliable. In 2016 we went through a big fight and she kinda disappeared for about 2 months, and even cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before. She is the type of person who just is often cancelling on plans, and kind of does what she wants, without thinking of how it affects others. Now, don’t get me wrong, we should all be a little selfish, but I am the type of person who will do things sometimes that I don’t feel like doing because I know it’s important to my friends or family. That’s just me. Maybe I should be more selfish, I don’t know. But I guess because of that fight, and because I realized that I didn’t need her in my life, we really drifted, and I really grew from that experience, and I think that I put up with a lot back then that I shouldn’t have, blamed myself for all the fights, even though it takes two. Not saying I am blameless, far from it, but I would take all of it on because I was afraid to lose the friendship. And I think that honestly, that fear was the glue, and now that it’s not there…well it’s been distant between us. I made a resolution to try and bridge the gap, but the 2 times we were supposed to see each other, she cancelled last minute. So I decided to leave the ball in her court. If people want to be in our lives, they will make an effort. And maybe it’s just not worth that one-sided effort anymore. Yeah, she would make an effort through texting, but actions speak louder than words, and there is very little action on her part. And I feel sad, because I would love to find a way to have some friendship with her, I just don’t know if it’s possible. And the feeling of having ex friends, well it sucks. And when you have anxiety, you start wondering what is wrong with you, but as my friends say, sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever. And it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, the friendship just ran its course, and if one person changes/grows and the other doesn’t, or changes in a different way, it can happen that the friendship changes/drifts.

So I think that I have to close this chapter. And if she’s meant to be in my life, there’ll be a new chapter in the future. But I have to try and not dwell on things. I am not a terrible person. It’s just not fair of me to put expectations on another person that aren’t realistic. My therapist told me once, when some people become close, they expect the other person to act as they would in situations. But that’s not necessarily true. When I heard that, it was a lightbulb moment! You have to accept people for who they are, and not expect them to change unless THEY want to themselves. Not to be a doormat or anything, but most of my frustrations would always be because she wasn’t acting like I thought she should, and that’s not fair of me to think that.

Lesson is, don’t carry around worries and dwell on things that are out of your control and you can’t change. That’s a lot of wasted energy and unnecessary anger. Sometimes it does help to get an outside perspective too. You might not always want to hear what they say, but sometimes that is exactly what you need to hear too.

Okay, so that is all for now, I hope you have an awesome week and talk to you on the other side 🙂