Vulnerability

So me writing this blog has made me feel very vulnerable, very exposed. I guess that comes with the territory. It is a scary thing for me, putting myself out there, fearing any potential judgment. I care a lot about what people think of me. I am better than I used to be when it comes to that, am able to accept the fact that some people may never like me, because I have lots of people in my life who do, and nobody is universally liked. It’s just the truth of the matter.

But I still write, because I love writing, and because I find it helps me to unpack my days and weeks. This past week I went back to therapy. Hadn’t been since last summer, but with my anxiety acting up I felt it was probably a good idea. As often happens when I make appointments to go see my psychologist, most of what I originally planned to go for had resolved itself. I’m not worried about the friendships I was worried about losing to the degree I was a few weeks ago when everything first happened.

As what happened the first time I ever went to see her, we ended up talking about things that I hadn’t really thought about or planned to address. Turns out, I have abandonment issues. I am not really sure where they come from specifically. I have great parents, and I never felt anything like that with them. It might come from one or more past relationships, and certain friendships though. That’s kinda what i’m leaning towards. Is there something leavable about me? What do I think is leavable? Answering these questions was hard, and it made me feel very vulnerable for sure. But then on the flipside of that, I need to think of why i’m NOT leavable. Why I do have friends who will stick by me and that I can count on when I need them. And I shouldn’t let certain relationships dictate all relationships.

There was a certain amount of talking about being taken advantage of. And I don’t think that anyone in my life has ever taken advantage of me intentionally. But there is a sense that I give a lot, and sometimes it feels like it’s not reciprocated. That’s not true about everyone. Many of my friends helped me move, have been there for me in hard times, have driven me home when I needed them to for whatever reason and countless other things. But still, it often feels like i’m left out in the cold. People’s lives move forward and i’m still in the same place, and it makes me question when it’s my turn to have the life I want? Because I feel like i’m due.

I do have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but of course I do want to settle down with someone and all that comes with that. And all I seem to get are guys from my past coming back who don’t want anything serious. It’s getting old. And I feel that my weight really holds me back. I know that it shouldn’t, but I just feel uncomfortable and I don’t like myself as much as I could. And that has to give one way or another (or both lol).

So this week is a new week. I am meal prepping to make sure I stick to plan, i’m going to do my workouts and I am going to work on my financial goals in tandem. And here in Canada, there’s also a very important event to me called Bell, Let’s Talk. It’s a day where Bell Mobility donates 5 cents for every text sent to mental health charities. The goal as is mine is to remove the stigma of mental health issues.

I have been keeping things pretty general and just about my daily struggles with anxiety but I am going to start building a list of topics i’d like to talk about as well to mix things up. Quotes, articles and movies and TV shows and even songs among other things to discuss, as well as discussing my thoughts on other issues.

So look forward to seeing that in the near future. For now, thanks for listening to my ramblings, and see you next time!

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2 thoughts on “Vulnerability

  1. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your blog. There are a lot of people on here posting about these kinds of concerns but experiencing them in a much more debilitating way, and not so many people who are, as you call it, high-functioning, which makes it much more relatable (for me anyway). I’ll look forward to reading more 🙂

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