Vulnerability

So me writing this blog has made me feel very vulnerable, very exposed. I guess that comes with the territory. It is a scary thing for me, putting myself out there, fearing any potential judgment. I care a lot about what people think of me. I am better than I used to be when it comes to that, am able to accept the fact that some people may never like me, because I have lots of people in my life who do, and nobody is universally liked. It’s just the truth of the matter.

But I still write, because I love writing, and because I find it helps me to unpack my days and weeks. This past week I went back to therapy. Hadn’t been since last summer, but with my anxiety acting up I felt it was probably a good idea. As often happens when I make appointments to go see my psychologist, most of what I originally planned to go for had resolved itself. I’m not worried about the friendships I was worried about losing to the degree I was a few weeks ago when everything first happened.

As what happened the first time I ever went to see her, we ended up talking about things that I hadn’t really thought about or planned to address. Turns out, I have abandonment issues. I am not really sure where they come from specifically. I have great parents, and I never felt anything like that with them. It might come from one or more past relationships, and certain friendships though. That’s kinda what i’m leaning towards. Is there something leavable about me? What do I think is leavable? Answering these questions was hard, and it made me feel very vulnerable for sure. But then on the flipside of that, I need to think of why i’m NOT leavable. Why I do have friends who will stick by me and that I can count on when I need them. And I shouldn’t let certain relationships dictate all relationships.

There was a certain amount of talking about being taken advantage of. And I don’t think that anyone in my life has ever taken advantage of me intentionally. But there is a sense that I give a lot, and sometimes it feels like it’s not reciprocated. That’s not true about everyone. Many of my friends helped me move, have been there for me in hard times, have driven me home when I needed them to for whatever reason and countless other things. But still, it often feels like i’m left out in the cold. People’s lives move forward and i’m still in the same place, and it makes me question when it’s my turn to have the life I want? Because I feel like i’m due.

I do have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but of course I do want to settle down with someone and all that comes with that. And all I seem to get are guys from my past coming back who don’t want anything serious. It’s getting old. And I feel that my weight really holds me back. I know that it shouldn’t, but I just feel uncomfortable and I don’t like myself as much as I could. And that has to give one way or another (or both lol).

So this week is a new week. I am meal prepping to make sure I stick to plan, i’m going to do my workouts and I am going to work on my financial goals in tandem. And here in Canada, there’s also a very important event to me called Bell, Let’s Talk. It’s a day where Bell Mobility donates 5 cents for every text sent to mental health charities. The goal as is mine is to remove the stigma of mental health issues.

I have been keeping things pretty general and just about my daily struggles with anxiety but I am going to start building a list of topics i’d like to talk about as well to mix things up. Quotes, articles and movies and TV shows and even songs among other things to discuss, as well as discussing my thoughts on other issues.

So look forward to seeing that in the near future. For now, thanks for listening to my ramblings, and see you next time!

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Letting Go

Hello!

So I had a much better week this week for the most part. Still not keeping my anxiety quite at bay, but did much better with it this week. How did I? By letting things go. When I am having a hard time, I just focus on myself and my own energy and let anything that I can’t control go. It’s not worth worrying about things that may or may not happen, total wasted energy. Easier said than done sometimes of course, as anyone who deals with anxiety knows, but it’s what helps me the most.

No matter how much people around me try to calm me down and tell me everything is okay, I sometimes just won’t believe them. It’s only when I come to the realization truly on my own that I am able to deal with whatever is triggering my anxiety.

Sometimes when it’s really bad, I also try accepting the worst case scenario. For example, if i’m worried about a date or going into a party where I don’t know people well, or don’t know a lot of people, I think of the worst thing that can happen, and once I accept that, and realize that even IF it happens, it’s not so bad, I can relax and be mostly back to normal.

I talk about some specific things, and I know that may get lost on some of you, but it helps me to kind of write things out sometimes and realize how I sound. Sometimes realizing how silly my worrying sounds helps me a lot too, sometimes like I tell the people around me, all I need is an eye roll to know that i’m being ridiculous.

But dealing with anxiety and being intuitive at the same time makes it hard sometimes. Because it’s hard to know when you’re just being paranoid and actually feeling something. That is a struggle for me, and it’s a goal of mine to find ways to distinguish between the two, not that I will always know except in hindsight, but it would be a great tool for me for sure.

All in all I had a pretty good week. I play trivia every monday with my friends at a bar, and it changed locations this year. It was nice to see everyone, but some of the teams stayed at the old bar, so who knows what will happen, it might be nice to try out both locations and see what we prefer. Although I gotta say, the new bar has deep fried pickles which is one of my favorite things lol. I also went to see Molly’s Game with my friend  which was really good. Lots of actors I like in it and an interesting story. It made me realize I need to watch more trailers because I never seem to know what movies are coming out until it’s either too late or people have already seen the ones I want to. Gotta watch them online since I don’t have TV.

This week is also shaping up to be a good week, and I plan to make the most of it. Earlier I talked about things that are out of my control. Well, I am making a conscious effort to work on the things that I CAN control, namely my weight loss and getting into better financial shape. I got my new Smartlife Push Journal and i’m super excited about that! Gonna keep better track of my goals and stay accountable. Accomplish a lot in these first 90 days! Just need to break it down.

Alright. I’m going to end it there, and i’ll be back sometime next week.

Until then!

Irrational Me

Hello 2018!

I hope everyone had a good first week. Mine was good and bad. I was surprised that work wasn’t so bad this week. I thought i’d be a lot busier. I was able to stay on top of things at least and only delegate a few things away. I think it’ll all be okay, with the support of my team and my other co-workers.

Outside of work, a different story. My anxiety has been at a high point. I can’t shake the irrational thoughts that i’m going to lose some friends. I worry because I set up another couple of friends years ago, and they slowly but surely cut everyone out of their lives, starting with me. They became different people, and I guess it’s for the best, but I still miss the friendships we had. About a year after that, the female counterpart in that relationship told a mutual friend she had to cut a lot of friends out ‘because they were jealous of her relationship’ right…that is why I set you up with my friend, because I wanted him for myself lol. No good deed goes unpunished right? But the other couple that I set up that I talked about last week, they’re different people. They didn’t change for each other, they just fit together and bring out the best in each other, at least I think so. I don’t think you should ever change to be in a relationship, and that’s the difference between the two couples. So I am sure that I am just being irrational and that everything will be fine, but it’ll take a bit to calm me down there I think.

And yet more irrational me, we are going out for my dad’s birthday tonight, and me and my sister in law both suggested places, and instead of choosing the place that’s 15 mins away, we are going downtown through all kinds of construction and having to find parking. All because my family just doesn’t seem to want to cross bridges. It just makes me think that when I move off-island, because I can’t afford to buy a house on island, will it be an inconvenience for them to visit me each time? Sometimes because i’m the youngest I just feel like i’m not taken seriously, even though i’m almost 34 years old. I just feel like the odd one out. I’m tired of feeling that way.

At least i’ve stayed on top of my workouts this week. I really like the new workout i’m doing, Piyo, by, you guessed it, Chalene Johnson lol. It’s very challenging, and I like that i’ll be able to see my progress with it. That’s what I liked about running, and this has the added benefit of being partly yoga, to help me relax. I think i’ll be able to easily stick to it, and I just need to make sure I stay on top of eating better. I do weight watchers, and I find it works really well for me, a lifestyle change more than a diet, I just need to stick to it.

It is definitely helping me deal with my anxiety a bit more by writing about it. Sometimes we just need to write things down to realize how silly our thoughts are, and to calm down a little. People without anxiety don’t realize how much it affects us. Most people with it are high-functioning. I am a successful person, but when people realize all that goes on inside my head, all the thoughts I have, the overanalyzing conversations hours later when the other person has forgotten all about it, the worrying about what people think of me (although i’ve gotten a lot better there), the fear of change, the reading into things that aren’t there, the wondering why this person didn’t like that on facebook, it comes in all forms. And if you don’t know the struggle, it’s pretty hard to relate. But that’s why I started this blog, to talk about it, and to hopefully show people that they aren’t alone, it happens to many people.

Okay, that’s all I have to say today, i’ll write more next week.

Talk soon!

2017 Recap

Happy New Year! So I did this same kind of post last year on the first iteration of this blog and figured it would be a good way for us to get to know each other if I did it for 2017.

2017 wasn’t a bad year in general, but it wasn’t a great one. I started the year with a lot of hope and motivation, and in the first 2 months of the year, I lost over 20 lbs. But then my mom went into the hospital for surgery, and it all got thrown off between anxiety and visiting her in the hospital, and I never really got back on track after that.

In April, we took on a big account at work without the headcount for it, and then in May one of my employees quit. It wasn’t a huge loss. Because of the new account and the loss of that employee (who worked in another office) I was able to build my own team here in my own office, with 2 new employees. It was exciting. So I found one of the new employees internally, and one externally, and things were getting better. Work isn’t perfect, and the stress does get to me sometimes, but I have a good support system, and we were finally seeing the right changes being made to turn things around.

Around this time, my best friend and I went to Ottawa for the weekend, and after everything that happened the year before, it was the first time that I think we both realized how different it was between us. It was borderline awkward, and it was a huge source of confusion for me, and very sad. I care about her a lot, but it seemed that she reminded me of a version of myself I didn’t like anymore, and also of everything that had happened last year. Basically we always had conflicts because of her relationships. I used to always blame myself, but I never had these conflicts with any of my other friends, and it takes two. Sometimes she just got caught up in the new relationship at the expense of her others. And long story short, she made a mountain out of a molehill, and basically cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before and didn’t talk to me for almost 2 months. It was a tough time, but I am a firm believer in finding the reasons/lessons for things. And our friendship was too co-dependent. I became more independent, and branched out with other friends, and just realized that I didn’t need her in my life. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that I was so afraid of losing her as a friend before, that I just kind of put up with everything, and took all the blame on myself. After that weekend in Ottawa, we talked off and on about it, and I think it just came down to me changing and her not changing. And this year she went through a similar thing to what I did in 2016. And I hated hurting her, even if it wasn’t intentional. I just didn’t see a way past it.

Then more recently, my friend/employee quit. I knew the whole week before. And I probably knew it was a possibility even before that because my anxiety had been out of control. I just could not shake it, which is rare for me. For a few weeks I had been thinking about looking for another job. Not because of her quitting, this was before that, but I was just having doubts about what I wanted to do with my life long-term. Still do. But her quitting, well honestly I was very angry. At the universe, at her, at myself. And pretty much only last night did I shake it. She was going to work for a competitor. After everything that I did for her both at work and outside of it. It felt like a slap in the face. And it made me feel like I just want to be selfish from now on. There were no bad intentions on her part, and nothing personal. She was just doing what she felt is right for her. And hopefully it is. I do want her to be happy. But now I have to figure out the new dynamic. I can’t really talk to her or any of our mutual friends about work anymore, that’s going to be an adjustment. But it’s important to me to figure out for the sake of our friendship and also because her boyfriend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize that.

I just made the decision I don’t want any negativity in 2018. I needed to get it out of my system and move past it. The anger (mostly at myself) isn’t doing anyone any good. And there were no bad intentions. And who am I to expect that all that I do for others should be reciprocated? That’s just not how the universe works. And this will be a good thing in the long run. As long as I learn from it and move forward.

Despite the bad, there was a lot of good, and I love my apartment now. Whereas last year I was miserable with a terrible upstairs neighbor, now I am top-floor living in my amazing new apartment that I moved into in June. And I have great friends who all helped me move on a HOT day. I got to hang out with my childhood best friend for the first time in about 14 years, and it was like no time had passed. I traveled to NYC and Orlando for work, Orlando was a great trip. We built a new team for trivia and I have gotten closer to some existing friends and made some new ones.

So what am I planning for 2018? Leaving the past in the past for one. If I want people in my life, then it’s that simple, they’ll be there. And the two friends I mentioned above, I do want them in my life. And it’s just a matter of figuring out the new dynamic. I want to read more, watch less TV. Move more and cook more. And work on my financial goals.

I never know what to call her, but the girl who does my workout DVDs, Chalene Johnson, is basically my guru lol. I follow her on social media, listen to her podcasts, workout with her, and she is basically my idol. She did a workshop on FB recently where she talked about her goal-setting method, and I think it will work for me. Breaking things down to a manageable level, so i’m excited to do that. Here’s the link to the video. Make sure you have about an hour to follow along. It’s really worth it! I am really excited as a result for this coming year. And I am not going to bash 2017 altogether. It was better than 2016 at least. But I am determined to make the most out of 2018.

Alright, where here is where I tell you see you next year 🙂 I am hoping to make this a twice weekly blog going forward.

Until next time!