Irrational Me

Hello 2018!

I hope everyone had a good first week. Mine was good and bad. I was surprised that work wasn’t so bad this week. I thought i’d be a lot busier. I was able to stay on top of things at least and only delegate a few things away. I think it’ll all be okay, with the support of my team and my other co-workers.

Outside of work, a different story. My anxiety has been at a high point. I can’t shake the irrational thoughts that i’m going to lose some friends. I worry because I set up another couple of friends years ago, and they slowly but surely cut everyone out of their lives, starting with me. They became different people, and I guess it’s for the best, but I still miss the friendships we had. About a year after that, the female counterpart in that relationship told a mutual friend she had to cut a lot of friends out ‘because they were jealous of her relationship’ right…that is why I set you up with my friend, because I wanted him for myself lol. No good deed goes unpunished right? But the other couple that I set up that I talked about last week, they’re different people. They didn’t change for each other, they just fit together and bring out the best in each other, at least I think so. I don’t think you should ever change to be in a relationship, and that’s the difference between the two couples. So I am sure that I am just being irrational and that everything will be fine, but it’ll take a bit to calm me down there I think.

And yet more irrational me, we are going out for my dad’s birthday tonight, and me and my sister in law both suggested places, and instead of choosing the place that’s 15 mins away, we are going downtown through all kinds of construction and having to find parking. All because my family just doesn’t seem to want to cross bridges. It just makes me think that when I move off-island, because I can’t afford to buy a house on island, will it be an inconvenience for them to visit me each time? Sometimes because i’m the youngest I just feel like i’m not taken seriously, even though i’m almost 34 years old. I just feel like the odd one out. I’m tired of feeling that way.

At least i’ve stayed on top of my workouts this week. I really like the new workout i’m doing, Piyo, by, you guessed it, Chalene Johnson lol. It’s very challenging, and I like that i’ll be able to see my progress with it. That’s what I liked about running, and this has the added benefit of being partly yoga, to help me relax. I think i’ll be able to easily stick to it, and I just need to make sure I stay on top of eating better. I do weight watchers, and I find it works really well for me, a lifestyle change more than a diet, I just need to stick to it.

It is definitely helping me deal with my anxiety a bit more by writing about it. Sometimes we just need to write things down to realize how silly our thoughts are, and to calm down a little. People without anxiety don’t realize how much it affects us. Most people with it are high-functioning. I am a successful person, but when people realize all that goes on inside my head, all the thoughts I have, the overanalyzing conversations hours later when the other person has forgotten all about it, the worrying about what people think of me (although i’ve gotten a lot better there), the fear of change, the reading into things that aren’t there, the wondering why this person didn’t like that on facebook, it comes in all forms. And if you don’t know the struggle, it’s pretty hard to relate. But that’s why I started this blog, to talk about it, and to hopefully show people that they aren’t alone, it happens to many people.

Okay, that’s all I have to say today, i’ll write more next week.

Talk soon!

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2017 Recap

Happy New Year! So I did this same kind of post last year on the first iteration of this blog and figured it would be a good way for us to get to know each other if I did it for 2017.

2017 wasn’t a bad year in general, but it wasn’t a great one. I started the year with a lot of hope and motivation, and in the first 2 months of the year, I lost over 20 lbs. But then my mom went into the hospital for surgery, and it all got thrown off between anxiety and visiting her in the hospital, and I never really got back on track after that.

In April, we took on a big account at work without the headcount for it, and then in May one of my employees quit. It wasn’t a huge loss. Because of the new account and the loss of that employee (who worked in another office) I was able to build my own team here in my own office, with 2 new employees. It was exciting. So I found one of the new employees internally, and one externally, and things were getting better. Work isn’t perfect, and the stress does get to me sometimes, but I have a good support system, and we were finally seeing the right changes being made to turn things around.

Around this time, my best friend and I went to Ottawa for the weekend, and after everything that happened the year before, it was the first time that I think we both realized how different it was between us. It was borderline awkward, and it was a huge source of confusion for me, and very sad. I care about her a lot, but it seemed that she reminded me of a version of myself I didn’t like anymore, and also of everything that had happened last year. Basically we always had conflicts because of her relationships. I used to always blame myself, but I never had these conflicts with any of my other friends, and it takes two. Sometimes she just got caught up in the new relationship at the expense of her others. And long story short, she made a mountain out of a molehill, and basically cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before and didn’t talk to me for almost 2 months. It was a tough time, but I am a firm believer in finding the reasons/lessons for things. And our friendship was too co-dependent. I became more independent, and branched out with other friends, and just realized that I didn’t need her in my life. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that I was so afraid of losing her as a friend before, that I just kind of put up with everything, and took all the blame on myself. After that weekend in Ottawa, we talked off and on about it, and I think it just came down to me changing and her not changing. And this year she went through a similar thing to what I did in 2016. And I hated hurting her, even if it wasn’t intentional. I just didn’t see a way past it.

Then more recently, my friend/employee quit. I knew the whole week before. And I probably knew it was a possibility even before that because my anxiety had been out of control. I just could not shake it, which is rare for me. For a few weeks I had been thinking about looking for another job. Not because of her quitting, this was before that, but I was just having doubts about what I wanted to do with my life long-term. Still do. But her quitting, well honestly I was very angry. At the universe, at her, at myself. And pretty much only last night did I shake it. She was going to work for a competitor. After everything that I did for her both at work and outside of it. It felt like a slap in the face. And it made me feel like I just want to be selfish from now on. There were no bad intentions on her part, and nothing personal. She was just doing what she felt is right for her. And hopefully it is. I do want her to be happy. But now I have to figure out the new dynamic. I can’t really talk to her or any of our mutual friends about work anymore, that’s going to be an adjustment. But it’s important to me to figure out for the sake of our friendship and also because her boyfriend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize that.

I just made the decision I don’t want any negativity in 2018. I needed to get it out of my system and move past it. The anger (mostly at myself) isn’t doing anyone any good. And there were no bad intentions. And who am I to expect that all that I do for others should be reciprocated? That’s just not how the universe works. And this will be a good thing in the long run. As long as I learn from it and move forward.

Despite the bad, there was a lot of good, and I love my apartment now. Whereas last year I was miserable with a terrible upstairs neighbor, now I am top-floor living in my amazing new apartment that I moved into in June. And I have great friends who all helped me move on a HOT day. I got to hang out with my childhood best friend for the first time in about 14 years, and it was like no time had passed. I traveled to NYC and Orlando for work, Orlando was a great trip. We built a new team for trivia and I have gotten closer to some existing friends and made some new ones.

So what am I planning for 2018? Leaving the past in the past for one. If I want people in my life, then it’s that simple, they’ll be there. And the two friends I mentioned above, I do want them in my life. And it’s just a matter of figuring out the new dynamic. I want to read more, watch less TV. Move more and cook more. And work on my financial goals.

I never know what to call her, but the girl who does my workout DVDs, Chalene Johnson, is basically my guru lol. I follow her on social media, listen to her podcasts, workout with her, and she is basically my idol. She did a workshop on FB recently where she talked about her goal-setting method, and I think it will work for me. Breaking things down to a manageable level, so i’m excited to do that. Here’s the link to the video. Make sure you have about an hour to follow along. It’s really worth it! I am really excited as a result for this coming year. And I am not going to bash 2017 altogether. It was better than 2016 at least. But I am determined to make the most out of 2018.

Alright, where here is where I tell you see you next year 🙂 I am hoping to make this a twice weekly blog going forward.

Until next time!

Merry Christmas!

I always get a lil lonely on Christmas Eve. I’ll admit it. My family and I always do Christmas day together. We spend the whole day together and I love it. But the day before, when all my friends are with their families, or doing other things, I get a lil lonely, i’ll admit it. It’s rare that I am lonely, so it’s not the end of the world. Just makes waiting for Christmas day a little harder is all.

I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety this week. It’s rare that I struggle as much as I have been lately. I am really good at coping usually. And when it gets this bad, I know that there is big change coming, or that I need to make a big change. I have been having a lot of doubts about my job lately. I have a good job, and I love my coworkers, so it would be a hard decision to leave for something new. But I must admit that the stress has been getting to me more than it ever has. I do think that things will get better, but we just aren’t there yet.

I don’t do well with change, so I don’t take it lightly. And I still have a lot to think about before making any decisions one way or the other. At the end of the day though, I have to do what’s best for me.

So what do you do when you are dealing with anxiety that just won’t quit? Well, for me the best way to deal with it is to remind myself that there is no use worrying about things that are out of my control. I ask myself am I doing everything that I can? And generally the answer is yes, and if it isn’t, I take more action. When I do that and take a few deep breaths, and then remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not the end of the world, and how much else I still have in my life to be grateful for, well that generally calms me down.

It’s when the overthinking and worrying start that I self-sabotage. I make up these scenarios in my head and get carried away. But sometimes what I do when I am worried about a certain thing happening, I imagine it happening, and how I would feel when it does and how I would react, and just that, making peace with the worst case scenario, can be really freeing and take the pressure off.

These are just some of the many things that have helped me deal with my anxiety and over-thinking. More to come in future posts of course.

Until then, I hope that you all have a great holiday with your families, and I will talk to you in 2018 and talk about the resolutions I am making for it!

Introductions

Hey!

So here I am back to blogging…again. Hoping that I can stick to it regularly this time. I think I wanted to say too much, and got intimidated the last times I started things off. It’s not to say that I don’t have a lot to say this time around, but I think for the first time, my thoughts are more organized and I have ideas on different blog entries. So here goes!

You can check out my about me page for more on what I want this blog to be about, but for today, I wanted to give you more details about me. I love to learn, I am constantly listening to podcasts, and watching documentaries, and trying to read more. (One of my many goals is to watch less TV, so i’m being picky on what new shows I watch, and secretly happy when TV shows get cancelled lol).

I can say without a doubt that my life totally changed when I learned about the law of attraction. Now I know that this might make me lose some of you, but before you go, don’t think i’m a weird new-agey girl lol. I’m really not. I just think that there are a lot of principles involved in it that make sense. Basically, thinking positively and practicing gratitude. I don’t think i’m going to magically make a million dollars appear or that the love of my life will materialize just like that, that it’s the ‘secret’ to everything. I just think that if you think positively, and are grateful for what you have, things get better. Just my looking on the bright side. If you’re having a bad day, knowing that you are still lucky to have a roof over your head, clean drinking water, and i’m sure a lot more than that, it changes your perspective, and it reminds you not to take anything for granted.

Because of that, I guess about 6 years ago, I am always looking for the silver lining in everything, the reason for things. I don’t believe there are any coincidences, and that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. For example, a little under 6 years ago, I got downsized from a job. I had never had something like that happen to me, and I was scared. I had only worked there about 3 months, so it was a last one in, first one out scenario. Luckily for me, I knew that my old boss had a hard time finding someone to replace me, so he took me back, I wasn’t unemployed for more than a weekend, and he knew that I was looking for another job still, but I could help him train the new person and give him time to find the right candidate, and for me to find the right job. Which I did, about 3 months later, and i’m still there, it’ll be 6 years in March. See, the thing is, at the job I had found, I wouldn’t be able to speak english and french, and there were no benefits. So I was worried about losing my french, and of course not having benefits wasn’t good. So this was just leading me to the job that was right for me (which happened to be a LOT closer to where I live).

And I never looked back. I grew in my job from entry level to a supervisory role, and I know I earned it, but a lot of the time, I feel extremely lucky too, because there were times it felt that I was in a dead end, but then with so much restructuring, and because I am really good at my job, things changed in my favor. Recently, I have had a lot of struggles at work with so much organizational change, and I have had doubts about what I want to do long-term. I still love the people I work with, and what I do, but it’s not my true passion.

Because of some difficult times I went through last year (more on that another time) and because I have always struggled with anxiety, and off and on depression, I am realizing more and more that what I am most passionate about is helping other people who struggle, and also removing any stigma around it. Being able to freely talk about mental illness can save lives, and I would love to be able to contribute to that in some small way. Seeing all these young(er) people dealing with bullying and some being driven to commit suicide really breaks my heart as someone who was bullied when I was in school, and I really hope that I can help in some small way with this blog and all that I have planned with it.

Okay, well that is all for now, just so you know what you’re in for 🙂 I am hoping to do 1-2 blogs a week. So stay tuned!