Tag: anxiety

Long time no see

Sorry guys, it’s been a busy few weeks for this girl. Lots of birthdays including my own, lots of stuff going on in and out of work. And this past week my mind has been preoccupied with my older of my 2 cats. Looks like i’ll probably have to say goodbye to her sooner than later, so i’m dealing with that. It hasn’t been easy.

For someone with anxiety, any time something bad happens it tends to throw a monster-sized wrench into the mix, more giant-sized than for other people who don’t suffer from anxiety. For us, our balance is so fragile already that it is almost unbearable to deal with the bad stuff. And that is the case for me. I have been crying off and on for days, had a panic attack (which is extremely rare for me) and am just generally terrified of the days ahead, and beyond that.

I have been going through all my coping mechanisms and have settled into a very fragile ‘normal’ for now. I’ll know more tomorrow at the vet. I have decided that if she is in a lot of pain, that’ll be that. But if not, I will wait until she has stopped eating/drinking/using the litter, the normal stuff, and having someone come to the home. We have a traveling vet here. My girl doesn’t travel well, and I don’t want her last moments to be stressful if I can help it.

What makes this really hard if i’m being honest is that my home is my sanctuary like many people, and that includes my two cats. Because I am single, this is all I have. I know I have a very supportive family, and great friends, but it’s not exactly the same. I don’t yet have kids of my own, and honestly the future really scares me because of that. I am very scared of being alone. I voiced that concern to my parents last weekend. Something I had at the time only ever told my therapist. I know now that it’s normal to feel this way when you’re single, as some of my single friends voiced that they’ve felt this way too. And of course, even if I do find someone, there is no guarantee there either.

It made me think that maybe I would be more helpful sharing those coping mechanisms with people as well, and not just my personal stories/experiences. And in my sadness/anxiousness I started writing down some ideas. I will figure out how best to share these. But I think for now, I want to keep working on it quietly. It will give me something to focus on while I grieve.

My pets are very important to me, and it will be really devastating when she goes. She is my first ever furbaby that was mine, not including family pets. It is going to be really hard. But I love her enough that I don’t want her to suffer and I will not be selfish and keep her around just for me.

One thing I decided was to focus on the things that I can control more and not so much the things that are out of my control. Those are the things that give me the most anxiety anyhow.

On that note, I am going to close there. I find writing really good for me too, so it’s helped putting this into words actually. I will be back next week if all goes well.

Until next time!

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Already Sunday!

This week was a pretty good week despite some work stress. I have a bad habit of letting work derail my fitness/health goals. I tend to skip workouts and pick bad food up on the way home. I have to find a way to channel the stress in different ways. Gotta get into better shape once and for all! And what a waste of money. So I tend to meal plan on Sundays, and this week I made roasted veggies and yogurt chicken (chicken dipped in yogurt and then breadcrumbs), and made some roasted tomato soup with my new immersion blender. I am in LOVE lol.

We have to find ways to make it easier on ourselves and get out of the same patterns. I say we, but I am including myself in that. I have to change my relationship with food, and make sure that I find the right time to exercise every day. The exercise i’m doing now, Piyo is a shorter workout, so I have no excuses. And I love it, because I can see my progress as I keep going with it. And I decided that I needed to do something different when it comes to my eating, so I took the next step in my Chalene Johnson obsession lol and I joined the 131 diet. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes, but i’m really excited about it. I ended up wishing Chalene happy birthday on Snapchat and sung her praises, and she encouraged me to try it out. I know that it’s her business, but i’ve loved everything she’s put out there, and she really does seem like she genuinely wants to help people. She doesn’t need to message back everyone who writes her a message, and that’s not the first time she does with me.

I don’t know much about the diet yet, but it seems like it will be what we make of it. It does include intermittent fasting, which i’ve enjoyed, and I think part of it at least will be low carb eating, which scares the HELL out of me, let me tell you, but i’ve seen others have such success with it, and I figure it’s worth a try, even if I try for just a couple of weeks. I need to do something different. I am tired of the struggles with my weight. I will fill you in with how it goes, but it is already cheaper than weight watchers, so plus there, and I haven’t been sticking with weight watchers at all honestly. And this plan comes with a lot of research, expert interviews, and the first week, literally you don’t change your eating habits, it’s all about working on your mindset, and that is something I need. There is talk about hormone regulation as well, and let’s face it, that will help with my anxiety, and occasional bouts of depression.

I am not sure I mentioned the depression, but for me I link it to when I go off my birth control, so once I realized the correlation, I know it’s not something I need to worry about unless I go off the pill at some point, which I assume one day I will.

I had a great night at my friend’s birthday party last night. Broke the ice with my friend who I started this blog talking about. I could tell she was nervous as I was at the beginning, but the awkwardness went away quickly, and I am happy. She is a good friend honestly, and I didn’t want this to interfere with our friendship, or my friendship with her boyfriend who i’ve known for it must be almost 17 years now.

I am super excited about this upcoming week, and starting it off right with trivia at my favorite bar again! I missed the atmosphere. I can’t remember if i’ve mentioned it but every Monday I play trivia at a pub with some friends, and earlier this year we followed the guy who used to host it to a different bar. We weren’t really enjoying it, and the same team kept winning, so we decided to go back to our old place, and not only did we love it, but we won! Now, I am not saying winning isn’t fun, but I prefer when there’s a more even playing field, which there seems to be there. So as long as it’s not the same team winning week after week (including us) i’ll be happy.

I spent some time this week beating myself up because I have a friend, who used to be my best friend up till last year, who just has never been reliable. In 2016 we went through a big fight and she kinda disappeared for about 2 months, and even cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before. She is the type of person who just is often cancelling on plans, and kind of does what she wants, without thinking of how it affects others. Now, don’t get me wrong, we should all be a little selfish, but I am the type of person who will do things sometimes that I don’t feel like doing because I know it’s important to my friends or family. That’s just me. Maybe I should be more selfish, I don’t know. But I guess because of that fight, and because I realized that I didn’t need her in my life, we really drifted, and I really grew from that experience, and I think that I put up with a lot back then that I shouldn’t have, blamed myself for all the fights, even though it takes two. Not saying I am blameless, far from it, but I would take all of it on because I was afraid to lose the friendship. And I think that honestly, that fear was the glue, and now that it’s not there…well it’s been distant between us. I made a resolution to try and bridge the gap, but the 2 times we were supposed to see each other, she cancelled last minute. So I decided to leave the ball in her court. If people want to be in our lives, they will make an effort. And maybe it’s just not worth that one-sided effort anymore. Yeah, she would make an effort through texting, but actions speak louder than words, and there is very little action on her part. And I feel sad, because I would love to find a way to have some friendship with her, I just don’t know if it’s possible. And the feeling of having ex friends, well it sucks. And when you have anxiety, you start wondering what is wrong with you, but as my friends say, sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever. And it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, the friendship just ran its course, and if one person changes/grows and the other doesn’t, or changes in a different way, it can happen that the friendship changes/drifts.

So I think that I have to close this chapter. And if she’s meant to be in my life, there’ll be a new chapter in the future. But I have to try and not dwell on things. I am not a terrible person. It’s just not fair of me to put expectations on another person that aren’t realistic. My therapist told me once, when some people become close, they expect the other person to act as they would in situations. But that’s not necessarily true. When I heard that, it was a lightbulb moment! You have to accept people for who they are, and not expect them to change unless THEY want to themselves. Not to be a doormat or anything, but most of my frustrations would always be because she wasn’t acting like I thought she should, and that’s not fair of me to think that.

Lesson is, don’t carry around worries and dwell on things that are out of your control and you can’t change. That’s a lot of wasted energy and unnecessary anger. Sometimes it does help to get an outside perspective too. You might not always want to hear what they say, but sometimes that is exactly what you need to hear too.

Okay, so that is all for now, I hope you have an awesome week and talk to you on the other side 🙂

Vulnerability

So me writing this blog has made me feel very vulnerable, very exposed. I guess that comes with the territory. It is a scary thing for me, putting myself out there, fearing any potential judgment. I care a lot about what people think of me. I am better than I used to be when it comes to that, am able to accept the fact that some people may never like me, because I have lots of people in my life who do, and nobody is universally liked. It’s just the truth of the matter.

But I still write, because I love writing, and because I find it helps me to unpack my days and weeks. This past week I went back to therapy. Hadn’t been since last summer, but with my anxiety acting up I felt it was probably a good idea. As often happens when I make appointments to go see my psychologist, most of what I originally planned to go for had resolved itself. I’m not worried about the friendships I was worried about losing to the degree I was a few weeks ago when everything first happened.

As what happened the first time I ever went to see her, we ended up talking about things that I hadn’t really thought about or planned to address. Turns out, I have abandonment issues. I am not really sure where they come from specifically. I have great parents, and I never felt anything like that with them. It might come from one or more past relationships, and certain friendships though. That’s kinda what i’m leaning towards. Is there something leavable about me? What do I think is leavable? Answering these questions was hard, and it made me feel very vulnerable for sure. But then on the flipside of that, I need to think of why i’m NOT leavable. Why I do have friends who will stick by me and that I can count on when I need them. And I shouldn’t let certain relationships dictate all relationships.

There was a certain amount of talking about being taken advantage of. And I don’t think that anyone in my life has ever taken advantage of me intentionally. But there is a sense that I give a lot, and sometimes it feels like it’s not reciprocated. That’s not true about everyone. Many of my friends helped me move, have been there for me in hard times, have driven me home when I needed them to for whatever reason and countless other things. But still, it often feels like i’m left out in the cold. People’s lives move forward and i’m still in the same place, and it makes me question when it’s my turn to have the life I want? Because I feel like i’m due.

I do have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but of course I do want to settle down with someone and all that comes with that. And all I seem to get are guys from my past coming back who don’t want anything serious. It’s getting old. And I feel that my weight really holds me back. I know that it shouldn’t, but I just feel uncomfortable and I don’t like myself as much as I could. And that has to give one way or another (or both lol).

So this week is a new week. I am meal prepping to make sure I stick to plan, i’m going to do my workouts and I am going to work on my financial goals in tandem. And here in Canada, there’s also a very important event to me called Bell, Let’s Talk. It’s a day where Bell Mobility donates 5 cents for every text sent to mental health charities. The goal as is mine is to remove the stigma of mental health issues.

I have been keeping things pretty general and just about my daily struggles with anxiety but I am going to start building a list of topics i’d like to talk about as well to mix things up. Quotes, articles and movies and TV shows and even songs among other things to discuss, as well as discussing my thoughts on other issues.

So look forward to seeing that in the near future. For now, thanks for listening to my ramblings, and see you next time!

Letting Go

Hello!

So I had a much better week this week for the most part. Still not keeping my anxiety quite at bay, but did much better with it this week. How did I? By letting things go. When I am having a hard time, I just focus on myself and my own energy and let anything that I can’t control go. It’s not worth worrying about things that may or may not happen, total wasted energy. Easier said than done sometimes of course, as anyone who deals with anxiety knows, but it’s what helps me the most.

No matter how much people around me try to calm me down and tell me everything is okay, I sometimes just won’t believe them. It’s only when I come to the realization truly on my own that I am able to deal with whatever is triggering my anxiety.

Sometimes when it’s really bad, I also try accepting the worst case scenario. For example, if i’m worried about a date or going into a party where I don’t know people well, or don’t know a lot of people, I think of the worst thing that can happen, and once I accept that, and realize that even IF it happens, it’s not so bad, I can relax and be mostly back to normal.

I talk about some specific things, and I know that may get lost on some of you, but it helps me to kind of write things out sometimes and realize how I sound. Sometimes realizing how silly my worrying sounds helps me a lot too, sometimes like I tell the people around me, all I need is an eye roll to know that i’m being ridiculous.

But dealing with anxiety and being intuitive at the same time makes it hard sometimes. Because it’s hard to know when you’re just being paranoid and actually feeling something. That is a struggle for me, and it’s a goal of mine to find ways to distinguish between the two, not that I will always know except in hindsight, but it would be a great tool for me for sure.

All in all I had a pretty good week. I play trivia every monday with my friends at a bar, and it changed locations this year. It was nice to see everyone, but some of the teams stayed at the old bar, so who knows what will happen, it might be nice to try out both locations and see what we prefer. Although I gotta say, the new bar has deep fried pickles which is one of my favorite things lol. I also went to see Molly’s Game with my friend  which was really good. Lots of actors I like in it and an interesting story. It made me realize I need to watch more trailers because I never seem to know what movies are coming out until it’s either too late or people have already seen the ones I want to. Gotta watch them online since I don’t have TV.

This week is also shaping up to be a good week, and I plan to make the most of it. Earlier I talked about things that are out of my control. Well, I am making a conscious effort to work on the things that I CAN control, namely my weight loss and getting into better financial shape. I got my new Smartlife Push Journal and i’m super excited about that! Gonna keep better track of my goals and stay accountable. Accomplish a lot in these first 90 days! Just need to break it down.

Alright. I’m going to end it there, and i’ll be back sometime next week.

Until then!