Tag: friends

I’m back

Hey guys,

I know i’ve been gone for quite a while. As I mentioned in my last post I was dealing with a lot. And even more happened since then. I put my older cat down a week after that post and it was really hard. I am still very sad about it.

Added to that, I decided to go see if a new kitty caught my eye not long after. My younger resident cat seemed lonely and I didn’t want him to be alone too long. Well I got a new cat. She’s 2. She came from a crazy living situation, an apartment with 60+ other cats! She has adjusted well and seems very happy now, but it was a rough start. She became very attached to me from the get-go but whenever my older cat would come too close they would fight. I was encouraged by the shelter to not do the usual separation for a few days since she was used to being around so many other cats and being alone might not be good for her. Big mistake! So after about a week I fully separated them for about a week. During this time my older cat got very sick. Nightmare! Took 3 visits to the vet and a week of not eating to find out he had an infection. Probably caught it from the other cat. Very stressful time!

Happily they are getting along really well now, and i’m back to my sanctuary. I still miss my old girl, but the new energy is nice, and I know that she would want me to be happy and give another cat a loving home.

Added to that I had an employee more or less go behind my back and accuse me of unfair treatment. (Totally unfounded, she just needs to take more ownership of her own performance/behavior). That seems mostly resolved now, but did NOT need the added stress let me tell you. Let alone that Friday, the day before I start vacation, I was unintentionally made to feel guilty about taking it because one of the things I do weekly isn’t simple, and even though I trained two others on it, it’s not enough.

So now I am on vacation, and I started my vacation with my car smoking. Hopefully it’s a small repair and nothing major. But lately it just feels like I can’t catch a break!

Thank god for one of my coworkers and my mom. Keeping me sane because I don’t know what i’d do honestly. My mom told me that we go through hard times but they don’t last forever. And you just get through it and learn from it. So I am feeling better and a little closer to my usual positive self and am going to take advantage of this week off and be productive. I want to try and write a few blogs and get ahead and work on a few other projects to¬† be able to take bigger steps towards some of my goals.

I will be writing some different kinds of blog posts mixed in with my own personal experiences going forward, so look out for that. I don’t want people to get bored of reading about little old me lol. But I know i’ve been told that sharing my experiences has helped others, and writing things out helps me, so you will still see posts like this too.

So if you find yourself going through a difficult time, don’t do it alone. Find what outlet works best for you. Talking to your family/friends, writing things out, talking to someone professionally. It doesn’t matter. Just never think that you’re alone or that the hard times will last forever. It’s the hard times that make us appreciate the good times. And if we can find the silver linings and lessons in them, and grow, then they are worth going through.

Sometimes adulting is hard! Until next time!

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Vulnerability

So me writing this blog has made me feel very vulnerable, very exposed. I guess that comes with the territory. It is a scary thing for me, putting myself out there, fearing any potential judgment. I care a lot about what people think of me. I am better than I used to be when it comes to that, am able to accept the fact that some people may never like me, because I have lots of people in my life who do, and nobody is universally liked. It’s just the truth of the matter.

But I still write, because I love writing, and because I find it helps me to unpack my days and weeks. This past week I went back to therapy. Hadn’t been since last summer, but with my anxiety acting up I felt it was probably a good idea. As often happens when I make appointments to go see my psychologist, most of what I originally planned to go for had resolved itself. I’m not worried about the friendships I was worried about losing to the degree I was a few weeks ago when everything first happened.

As what happened the first time I ever went to see her, we ended up talking about things that I hadn’t really thought about or planned to address. Turns out, I have abandonment issues. I am not really sure where they come from specifically. I have great parents, and I never felt anything like that with them. It might come from one or more past relationships, and certain friendships though. That’s kinda what i’m leaning towards. Is there something leavable about me? What do I think is leavable? Answering these questions was hard, and it made me feel very vulnerable for sure. But then on the flipside of that, I need to think of why i’m NOT leavable. Why I do have friends who will stick by me and that I can count on when I need them. And I shouldn’t let certain relationships dictate all relationships.

There was a certain amount of talking about being taken advantage of. And I don’t think that anyone in my life has ever taken advantage of me intentionally. But there is a sense that I give a lot, and sometimes it feels like it’s not reciprocated. That’s not true about everyone. Many of my friends helped me move, have been there for me in hard times, have driven me home when I needed them to for whatever reason and countless other things. But still, it often feels like i’m left out in the cold. People’s lives move forward and i’m still in the same place, and it makes me question when it’s my turn to have the life I want? Because I feel like i’m due.

I do have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but of course I do want to settle down with someone and all that comes with that. And all I seem to get are guys from my past coming back who don’t want anything serious. It’s getting old. And I feel that my weight really holds me back. I know that it shouldn’t, but I just feel uncomfortable and I don’t like myself as much as I could. And that has to give one way or another (or both lol).

So this week is a new week. I am meal prepping to make sure I stick to plan, i’m going to do my workouts and I am going to work on my financial goals in tandem. And here in Canada, there’s also a very important event to me called Bell, Let’s Talk. It’s a day where Bell Mobility donates 5 cents for every text sent to mental health charities. The goal as is mine is to remove the stigma of mental health issues.

I have been keeping things pretty general and just about my daily struggles with anxiety but I am going to start building a list of topics i’d like to talk about as well to mix things up. Quotes, articles and movies and TV shows and even songs among other things to discuss, as well as discussing my thoughts on other issues.

So look forward to seeing that in the near future. For now, thanks for listening to my ramblings, and see you next time!

Irrational Me

Hello 2018!

I hope everyone had a good first week. Mine was good and bad. I was surprised that work wasn’t so bad this week. I thought i’d be a lot busier. I was able to stay on top of things at least and only delegate a few things away. I think it’ll all be okay, with the support of my team and my other co-workers.

Outside of work, a different story. My anxiety has been at a high point. I can’t shake the irrational thoughts that i’m going to lose some friends. I worry because I set up another couple of friends years ago, and they slowly but surely cut everyone out of their lives, starting with me. They became different people, and I guess it’s for the best, but I still miss the friendships we had. About a year after that, the female counterpart in that relationship told a mutual friend she had to cut a lot of friends out ‘because they were jealous of her relationship’ right…that is why I set you up with my friend, because I wanted him for myself lol. No good deed goes unpunished right? But the other couple that I set up that I talked about last week, they’re different people. They didn’t change for each other, they just fit together and bring out the best in each other, at least I think so. I don’t think you should ever change to be in a relationship, and that’s the difference between the two couples. So I am sure that I am just being irrational and that everything will be fine, but it’ll take a bit to calm me down there I think.

And yet more irrational me, we are going out for my dad’s birthday tonight, and me and my sister in law both suggested places, and instead of choosing the place that’s 15 mins away, we are going downtown through all kinds of construction and having to find parking. All because my family just doesn’t seem to want to cross bridges. It just makes me think that when I move off-island, because I can’t afford to buy a house on island, will it be an inconvenience for them to visit me each time? Sometimes because i’m the youngest I just feel like i’m not taken seriously, even though i’m almost 34 years old. I just feel like the odd one out. I’m tired of feeling that way.

At least i’ve stayed on top of my workouts this week. I really like the new workout i’m doing, Piyo, by, you guessed it, Chalene Johnson lol. It’s very challenging, and I like that i’ll be able to see my progress with it. That’s what I liked about running, and this has the added benefit of being partly yoga, to help me relax. I think i’ll be able to easily stick to it, and I just need to make sure I stay on top of eating better. I do weight watchers, and I find it works really well for me, a lifestyle change more than a diet, I just need to stick to it.

It is definitely helping me deal with my anxiety a bit more by writing about it. Sometimes we just need to write things down to realize how silly our thoughts are, and to calm down a little. People without anxiety don’t realize how much it affects us. Most people with it are high-functioning. I am a successful person, but when people realize all that goes on inside my head, all the thoughts I have, the overanalyzing conversations hours later when the other person has forgotten all about it, the worrying about what people think of me (although i’ve gotten a lot better there), the fear of change, the reading into things that aren’t there, the wondering why this person didn’t like that on facebook, it comes in all forms. And if you don’t know the struggle, it’s pretty hard to relate. But that’s why I started this blog, to talk about it, and to hopefully show people that they aren’t alone, it happens to many people.

Okay, that’s all I have to say today, i’ll write more next week.

Talk soon!