Tag: friendship

Already Sunday!

This week was a pretty good week despite some work stress. I have a bad habit of letting work derail my fitness/health goals. I tend to skip workouts and pick bad food up on the way home. I have to find a way to channel the stress in different ways. Gotta get into better shape once and for all! And what a waste of money. So I tend to meal plan on Sundays, and this week I made roasted veggies and yogurt chicken (chicken dipped in yogurt and then breadcrumbs), and made some roasted tomato soup with my new immersion blender. I am in LOVE lol.

We have to find ways to make it easier on ourselves and get out of the same patterns. I say we, but I am including myself in that. I have to change my relationship with food, and make sure that I find the right time to exercise every day. The exercise i’m doing now, Piyo is a shorter workout, so I have no excuses. And I love it, because I can see my progress as I keep going with it. And I decided that I needed to do something different when it comes to my eating, so I took the next step in my Chalene Johnson obsession lol and I joined the 131 diet. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes, but i’m really excited about it. I ended up wishing Chalene happy birthday on Snapchat and sung her praises, and she encouraged me to try it out. I know that it’s her business, but i’ve loved everything she’s put out there, and she really does seem like she genuinely wants to help people. She doesn’t need to message back everyone who writes her a message, and that’s not the first time she does with me.

I don’t know much about the diet yet, but it seems like it will be what we make of it. It does include intermittent fasting, which i’ve enjoyed, and I think part of it at least will be low carb eating, which scares the HELL out of me, let me tell you, but i’ve seen others have such success with it, and I figure it’s worth a try, even if I try for just a couple of weeks. I need to do something different. I am tired of the struggles with my weight. I will fill you in with how it goes, but it is already cheaper than weight watchers, so plus there, and I haven’t been sticking with weight watchers at all honestly. And this plan comes with a lot of research, expert interviews, and the first week, literally you don’t change your eating habits, it’s all about working on your mindset, and that is something I need. There is talk about hormone regulation as well, and let’s face it, that will help with my anxiety, and occasional bouts of depression.

I am not sure I mentioned the depression, but for me I link it to when I go off my birth control, so once I realized the correlation, I know it’s not something I need to worry about unless I go off the pill at some point, which I assume one day I will.

I had a great night at my friend’s birthday party last night. Broke the ice with my friend who I started this blog talking about. I could tell she was nervous as I was at the beginning, but the awkwardness went away quickly, and I am happy. She is a good friend honestly, and I didn’t want this to interfere with our friendship, or my friendship with her boyfriend who i’ve known for it must be almost 17 years now.

I am super excited about this upcoming week, and starting it off right with trivia at my favorite bar again! I missed the atmosphere. I can’t remember if i’ve mentioned it but every Monday I play trivia at a pub with some friends, and earlier this year we followed the guy who used to host it to a different bar. We weren’t really enjoying it, and the same team kept winning, so we decided to go back to our old place, and not only did we love it, but we won! Now, I am not saying winning isn’t fun, but I prefer when there’s a more even playing field, which there seems to be there. So as long as it’s not the same team winning week after week (including us) i’ll be happy.

I spent some time this week beating myself up because I have a friend, who used to be my best friend up till last year, who just has never been reliable. In 2016 we went through a big fight and she kinda disappeared for about 2 months, and even cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before. She is the type of person who just is often cancelling on plans, and kind of does what she wants, without thinking of how it affects others. Now, don’t get me wrong, we should all be a little selfish, but I am the type of person who will do things sometimes that I don’t feel like doing because I know it’s important to my friends or family. That’s just me. Maybe I should be more selfish, I don’t know. But I guess because of that fight, and because I realized that I didn’t need her in my life, we really drifted, and I really grew from that experience, and I think that I put up with a lot back then that I shouldn’t have, blamed myself for all the fights, even though it takes two. Not saying I am blameless, far from it, but I would take all of it on because I was afraid to lose the friendship. And I think that honestly, that fear was the glue, and now that it’s not there…well it’s been distant between us. I made a resolution to try and bridge the gap, but the 2 times we were supposed to see each other, she cancelled last minute. So I decided to leave the ball in her court. If people want to be in our lives, they will make an effort. And maybe it’s just not worth that one-sided effort anymore. Yeah, she would make an effort through texting, but actions speak louder than words, and there is very little action on her part. And I feel sad, because I would love to find a way to have some friendship with her, I just don’t know if it’s possible. And the feeling of having ex friends, well it sucks. And when you have anxiety, you start wondering what is wrong with you, but as my friends say, sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever. And it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, the friendship just ran its course, and if one person changes/grows and the other doesn’t, or changes in a different way, it can happen that the friendship changes/drifts.

So I think that I have to close this chapter. And if she’s meant to be in my life, there’ll be a new chapter in the future. But I have to try and not dwell on things. I am not a terrible person. It’s just not fair of me to put expectations on another person that aren’t realistic. My therapist told me once, when some people become close, they expect the other person to act as they would in situations. But that’s not necessarily true. When I heard that, it was a lightbulb moment! You have to accept people for who they are, and not expect them to change unless THEY want to themselves. Not to be a doormat or anything, but most of my frustrations would always be because she wasn’t acting like I thought she should, and that’s not fair of me to think that.

Lesson is, don’t carry around worries and dwell on things that are out of your control and you can’t change. That’s a lot of wasted energy and unnecessary anger. Sometimes it does help to get an outside perspective too. You might not always want to hear what they say, but sometimes that is exactly what you need to hear too.

Okay, so that is all for now, I hope you have an awesome week and talk to you on the other side 🙂

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2017 Recap

Happy New Year! So I did this same kind of post last year on the first iteration of this blog and figured it would be a good way for us to get to know each other if I did it for 2017.

2017 wasn’t a bad year in general, but it wasn’t a great one. I started the year with a lot of hope and motivation, and in the first 2 months of the year, I lost over 20 lbs. But then my mom went into the hospital for surgery, and it all got thrown off between anxiety and visiting her in the hospital, and I never really got back on track after that.

In April, we took on a big account at work without the headcount for it, and then in May one of my employees quit. It wasn’t a huge loss. Because of the new account and the loss of that employee (who worked in another office) I was able to build my own team here in my own office, with 2 new employees. It was exciting. So I found one of the new employees internally, and one externally, and things were getting better. Work isn’t perfect, and the stress does get to me sometimes, but I have a good support system, and we were finally seeing the right changes being made to turn things around.

Around this time, my best friend and I went to Ottawa for the weekend, and after everything that happened the year before, it was the first time that I think we both realized how different it was between us. It was borderline awkward, and it was a huge source of confusion for me, and very sad. I care about her a lot, but it seemed that she reminded me of a version of myself I didn’t like anymore, and also of everything that had happened last year. Basically we always had conflicts because of her relationships. I used to always blame myself, but I never had these conflicts with any of my other friends, and it takes two. Sometimes she just got caught up in the new relationship at the expense of her others. And long story short, she made a mountain out of a molehill, and basically cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before and didn’t talk to me for almost 2 months. It was a tough time, but I am a firm believer in finding the reasons/lessons for things. And our friendship was too co-dependent. I became more independent, and branched out with other friends, and just realized that I didn’t need her in my life. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that I was so afraid of losing her as a friend before, that I just kind of put up with everything, and took all the blame on myself. After that weekend in Ottawa, we talked off and on about it, and I think it just came down to me changing and her not changing. And this year she went through a similar thing to what I did in 2016. And I hated hurting her, even if it wasn’t intentional. I just didn’t see a way past it.

Then more recently, my friend/employee quit. I knew the whole week before. And I probably knew it was a possibility even before that because my anxiety had been out of control. I just could not shake it, which is rare for me. For a few weeks I had been thinking about looking for another job. Not because of her quitting, this was before that, but I was just having doubts about what I wanted to do with my life long-term. Still do. But her quitting, well honestly I was very angry. At the universe, at her, at myself. And pretty much only last night did I shake it. She was going to work for a competitor. After everything that I did for her both at work and outside of it. It felt like a slap in the face. And it made me feel like I just want to be selfish from now on. There were no bad intentions on her part, and nothing personal. She was just doing what she felt is right for her. And hopefully it is. I do want her to be happy. But now I have to figure out the new dynamic. I can’t really talk to her or any of our mutual friends about work anymore, that’s going to be an adjustment. But it’s important to me to figure out for the sake of our friendship and also because her boyfriend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize that.

I just made the decision I don’t want any negativity in 2018. I needed to get it out of my system and move past it. The anger (mostly at myself) isn’t doing anyone any good. And there were no bad intentions. And who am I to expect that all that I do for others should be reciprocated? That’s just not how the universe works. And this will be a good thing in the long run. As long as I learn from it and move forward.

Despite the bad, there was a lot of good, and I love my apartment now. Whereas last year I was miserable with a terrible upstairs neighbor, now I am top-floor living in my amazing new apartment that I moved into in June. And I have great friends who all helped me move on a HOT day. I got to hang out with my childhood best friend for the first time in about 14 years, and it was like no time had passed. I traveled to NYC and Orlando for work, Orlando was a great trip. We built a new team for trivia and I have gotten closer to some existing friends and made some new ones.

So what am I planning for 2018? Leaving the past in the past for one. If I want people in my life, then it’s that simple, they’ll be there. And the two friends I mentioned above, I do want them in my life. And it’s just a matter of figuring out the new dynamic. I want to read more, watch less TV. Move more and cook more. And work on my financial goals.

I never know what to call her, but the girl who does my workout DVDs, Chalene Johnson, is basically my guru lol. I follow her on social media, listen to her podcasts, workout with her, and she is basically my idol. She did a workshop on FB recently where she talked about her goal-setting method, and I think it will work for me. Breaking things down to a manageable level, so i’m excited to do that. Here’s the link to the video. Make sure you have about an hour to follow along. It’s really worth it! I am really excited as a result for this coming year. And I am not going to bash 2017 altogether. It was better than 2016 at least. But I am determined to make the most out of 2018.

Alright, where here is where I tell you see you next year 🙂 I am hoping to make this a twice weekly blog going forward.

Until next time!