Sorry guys, it’s been a busy few weeks for this girl. Lots of birthdays including my own, lots of stuff going on in and out of work. And this past week my mind has been preoccupied with my older of my 2 cats. Looks like i’ll probably have to say goodbye to her sooner than later, so i’m dealing with that. It hasn’t been easy.
For someone with anxiety, any time something bad happens it tends to throw a monster-sized wrench into the mix, more giant-sized than for other people who don’t suffer from anxiety. For us, our balance is so fragile already that it is almost unbearable to deal with the bad stuff. And that is the case for me. I have been crying off and on for days, had a panic attack (which is extremely rare for me) and am just generally terrified of the days ahead, and beyond that.
I have been going through all my coping mechanisms and have settled into a very fragile ‘normal’ for now. I’ll know more tomorrow at the vet. I have decided that if she is in a lot of pain, that’ll be that. But if not, I will wait until she has stopped eating/drinking/using the litter, the normal stuff, and having someone come to the home. We have a traveling vet here. My girl doesn’t travel well, and I don’t want her last moments to be stressful if I can help it.
What makes this really hard if i’m being honest is that my home is my sanctuary like many people, and that includes my two cats. Because I am single, this is all I have. I know I have a very supportive family, and great friends, but it’s not exactly the same. I don’t yet have kids of my own, and honestly the future really scares me because of that. I am very scared of being alone. I voiced that concern to my parents last weekend. Something I had at the time only ever told my therapist. I know now that it’s normal to feel this way when you’re single, as some of my single friends voiced that they’ve felt this way too. And of course, even if I do find someone, there is no guarantee there either.
It made me think that maybe I would be more helpful sharing those coping mechanisms with people as well, and not just my personal stories/experiences. And in my sadness/anxiousness I started writing down some ideas. I will figure out how best to share these. But I think for now, I want to keep working on it quietly. It will give me something to focus on while I grieve.
My pets are very important to me, and it will be really devastating when she goes. She is my first ever furbaby that was mine, not including family pets. It is going to be really hard. But I love her enough that I don’t want her to suffer and I will not be selfish and keep her around just for me.
One thing I decided was to focus on the things that I can control more and not so much the things that are out of my control. Those are the things that give me the most anxiety anyhow.
On that note, I am going to close there. I find writing really good for me too, so it’s helped putting this into words actually. I will be back next week if all goes well.
Until next time!