Tag: goals

Long time no see

Sorry guys, it’s been a busy few weeks for this girl. Lots of birthdays including my own, lots of stuff going on in and out of work. And this past week my mind has been preoccupied with my older of my 2 cats. Looks like i’ll probably have to say goodbye to her sooner than later, so i’m dealing with that. It hasn’t been easy.

For someone with anxiety, any time something bad happens it tends to throw a monster-sized wrench into the mix, more giant-sized than for other people who don’t suffer from anxiety. For us, our balance is so fragile already that it is almost unbearable to deal with the bad stuff. And that is the case for me. I have been crying off and on for days, had a panic attack (which is extremely rare for me) and am just generally terrified of the days ahead, and beyond that.

I have been going through all my coping mechanisms and have settled into a very fragile ‘normal’ for now. I’ll know more tomorrow at the vet. I have decided that if she is in a lot of pain, that’ll be that. But if not, I will wait until she has stopped eating/drinking/using the litter, the normal stuff, and having someone come to the home. We have a traveling vet here. My girl doesn’t travel well, and I don’t want her last moments to be stressful if I can help it.

What makes this really hard if i’m being honest is that my home is my sanctuary like many people, and that includes my two cats. Because I am single, this is all I have. I know I have a very supportive family, and great friends, but it’s not exactly the same. I don’t yet have kids of my own, and honestly the future really scares me because of that. I am very scared of being alone. I voiced that concern to my parents last weekend. Something I had at the time only ever told my therapist. I know now that it’s normal to feel this way when you’re single, as some of my single friends voiced that they’ve felt this way too. And of course, even if I do find someone, there is no guarantee there either.

It made me think that maybe I would be more helpful sharing those coping mechanisms with people as well, and not just my personal stories/experiences. And in my sadness/anxiousness I started writing down some ideas. I will figure out how best to share these. But I think for now, I want to keep working on it quietly. It will give me something to focus on while I grieve.

My pets are very important to me, and it will be really devastating when she goes. She is my first ever furbaby that was mine, not including family pets. It is going to be really hard. But I love her enough that I don’t want her to suffer and I will not be selfish and keep her around just for me.

One thing I decided was to focus on the things that I can control more and not so much the things that are out of my control. Those are the things that give me the most anxiety anyhow.

On that note, I am going to close there. I find writing really good for me too, so it’s helped putting this into words actually. I will be back next week if all goes well.

Until next time!

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Fast February

Hey all!

Can you believe how fast February flew by? I certainly can’t. It was a really eventful month for me. Lots of parties, lots of work, lots of changes. I have been loving the new 131 program i’m doing, and learning so much. This past week, I learned that not all sweeteners are created equal. And because of that, I ended up messing with my progress. Also found some hidden carbs in the sausages I was eating! It is challenging, but also very rewarding. And I am excited to have another week of great results.

One thing the program really emphasizes is that it is not a diet. They do not want you to fail. Nobody can be perfect all the time, and you need to be prepared for that. What that means, is that if you slip up, get back on track right away. Don’t wait till after my vacation, or next monday, or whatever it might be. Just keep going. And that has really resonated with me. Also, this being a ketogenic diet at its base, it does help seeing the difference between being in ketosis and not. And what it takes to get and stay in it. It motivates me to stick to it more than I ever thought it would. And I am on track to lose almost 20 lbs in my first month. I’ll take that any day!

March means my birthday is coming. And i’ll be 34 this year. Scary to get older. I struggle a lot with that feeling that I am not where I wished I was at this age. I think that’s pretty common, but sometimes it’s hard to deal with. And this weekend I really struggled. Being the only single person in my family, being one of the few in my friends, it’s hard. But it doesn’t do to dwell on the bad either. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I have to just take better care of myself so I can get to where I want to be.

A new month also means my subscription boxes coming in! I love them. As a gift to myself last year I signed up for fabfitfun, and singlesswag. I wouldn’t have signed up for both, but I liked the idea of getting a box every month with singlesswag. Fabfitfun is only every season. It’s kinda nice trying out all the new products. Singlesswag is a bit pricier since I get it every month, but fabfitfun I find pretty affordable given it’s every 3 months, and look at what you get! I am deliberately not looking at the photo because I kinda like the surprise lol. I will never recommend anything that I haven’t used/tried myself. You can use promo code Welcome10 too if you want to try it out.

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What I also like is that you can customize it. Several of the items, you get to pick between two different products, whatever you prefer. Sometimes 2 totally different products, or for example, the choice of color for clothing or an accessory. And you have the option to add some things on, lots of offers on the site for extras if you want to. I ended up signing up for a year myself because it was cheaper. That was my Christmas present to me.

Singlesswag is also really fun, you get a bunch of little things, some beauty-related, some otherwise, and each box comes with a snack. Sometimes you have to treat yourself! And I love the surprise in the mail. It gives me something to look forward to. Here is what I got last month from them:

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I ended up having my last therapy session this week. A lot that I had been dealing with has resolved itself. My therapist was happy to see my progress. Sometimes you just need a few sessions to get back on track and talk things out. I just really need to take better care of myself really. I have to make sure this time I do it, that I pay down my debt, and lose this weight. Meal planning really really helps with both, and I just need to continue doing that and making other smart choices. Shopping for sales, and no unnecessary spending! I know that I can do it, I just have to remind myself where I want to be at the end of the year.

By the way, I am very open to suggestions. I want to keep this blog going and help people who also struggle with the same issues. I am by no means an expert, but I have made a lot of progress in the last 2 years and am genuinely a different and better person for all the struggles I went through and if I can help or answer ay of your questions, I would love that, so ask away, and please comment away! Would love to get your feedback.

I was hesitant about adding the link for the subscription boxes, but it’s something that makes me happy, and the other things I have shared so far, I am not affiliated with them, but they do help me a lot. I just want to share things with you that help me and make me happy in case they might do the same for you!

Until next time!

Letting Go

Hello!

So I had a much better week this week for the most part. Still not keeping my anxiety quite at bay, but did much better with it this week. How did I? By letting things go. When I am having a hard time, I just focus on myself and my own energy and let anything that I can’t control go. It’s not worth worrying about things that may or may not happen, total wasted energy. Easier said than done sometimes of course, as anyone who deals with anxiety knows, but it’s what helps me the most.

No matter how much people around me try to calm me down and tell me everything is okay, I sometimes just won’t believe them. It’s only when I come to the realization truly on my own that I am able to deal with whatever is triggering my anxiety.

Sometimes when it’s really bad, I also try accepting the worst case scenario. For example, if i’m worried about a date or going into a party where I don’t know people well, or don’t know a lot of people, I think of the worst thing that can happen, and once I accept that, and realize that even IF it happens, it’s not so bad, I can relax and be mostly back to normal.

I talk about some specific things, and I know that may get lost on some of you, but it helps me to kind of write things out sometimes and realize how I sound. Sometimes realizing how silly my worrying sounds helps me a lot too, sometimes like I tell the people around me, all I need is an eye roll to know that i’m being ridiculous.

But dealing with anxiety and being intuitive at the same time makes it hard sometimes. Because it’s hard to know when you’re just being paranoid and actually feeling something. That is a struggle for me, and it’s a goal of mine to find ways to distinguish between the two, not that I will always know except in hindsight, but it would be a great tool for me for sure.

All in all I had a pretty good week. I play trivia every monday with my friends at a bar, and it changed locations this year. It was nice to see everyone, but some of the teams stayed at the old bar, so who knows what will happen, it might be nice to try out both locations and see what we prefer. Although I gotta say, the new bar has deep fried pickles which is one of my favorite things lol. I also went to see Molly’s Game with my friend  which was really good. Lots of actors I like in it and an interesting story. It made me realize I need to watch more trailers because I never seem to know what movies are coming out until it’s either too late or people have already seen the ones I want to. Gotta watch them online since I don’t have TV.

This week is also shaping up to be a good week, and I plan to make the most of it. Earlier I talked about things that are out of my control. Well, I am making a conscious effort to work on the things that I CAN control, namely my weight loss and getting into better financial shape. I got my new Smartlife Push Journal and i’m super excited about that! Gonna keep better track of my goals and stay accountable. Accomplish a lot in these first 90 days! Just need to break it down.

Alright. I’m going to end it there, and i’ll be back sometime next week.

Until then!

2017 Recap

Happy New Year! So I did this same kind of post last year on the first iteration of this blog and figured it would be a good way for us to get to know each other if I did it for 2017.

2017 wasn’t a bad year in general, but it wasn’t a great one. I started the year with a lot of hope and motivation, and in the first 2 months of the year, I lost over 20 lbs. But then my mom went into the hospital for surgery, and it all got thrown off between anxiety and visiting her in the hospital, and I never really got back on track after that.

In April, we took on a big account at work without the headcount for it, and then in May one of my employees quit. It wasn’t a huge loss. Because of the new account and the loss of that employee (who worked in another office) I was able to build my own team here in my own office, with 2 new employees. It was exciting. So I found one of the new employees internally, and one externally, and things were getting better. Work isn’t perfect, and the stress does get to me sometimes, but I have a good support system, and we were finally seeing the right changes being made to turn things around.

Around this time, my best friend and I went to Ottawa for the weekend, and after everything that happened the year before, it was the first time that I think we both realized how different it was between us. It was borderline awkward, and it was a huge source of confusion for me, and very sad. I care about her a lot, but it seemed that she reminded me of a version of myself I didn’t like anymore, and also of everything that had happened last year. Basically we always had conflicts because of her relationships. I used to always blame myself, but I never had these conflicts with any of my other friends, and it takes two. Sometimes she just got caught up in the new relationship at the expense of her others. And long story short, she made a mountain out of a molehill, and basically cancelled on our friend’s wedding a week before and didn’t talk to me for almost 2 months. It was a tough time, but I am a firm believer in finding the reasons/lessons for things. And our friendship was too co-dependent. I became more independent, and branched out with other friends, and just realized that I didn’t need her in my life. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that I was so afraid of losing her as a friend before, that I just kind of put up with everything, and took all the blame on myself. After that weekend in Ottawa, we talked off and on about it, and I think it just came down to me changing and her not changing. And this year she went through a similar thing to what I did in 2016. And I hated hurting her, even if it wasn’t intentional. I just didn’t see a way past it.

Then more recently, my friend/employee quit. I knew the whole week before. And I probably knew it was a possibility even before that because my anxiety had been out of control. I just could not shake it, which is rare for me. For a few weeks I had been thinking about looking for another job. Not because of her quitting, this was before that, but I was just having doubts about what I wanted to do with my life long-term. Still do. But her quitting, well honestly I was very angry. At the universe, at her, at myself. And pretty much only last night did I shake it. She was going to work for a competitor. After everything that I did for her both at work and outside of it. It felt like a slap in the face. And it made me feel like I just want to be selfish from now on. There were no bad intentions on her part, and nothing personal. She was just doing what she felt is right for her. And hopefully it is. I do want her to be happy. But now I have to figure out the new dynamic. I can’t really talk to her or any of our mutual friends about work anymore, that’s going to be an adjustment. But it’s important to me to figure out for the sake of our friendship and also because her boyfriend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize that.

I just made the decision I don’t want any negativity in 2018. I needed to get it out of my system and move past it. The anger (mostly at myself) isn’t doing anyone any good. And there were no bad intentions. And who am I to expect that all that I do for others should be reciprocated? That’s just not how the universe works. And this will be a good thing in the long run. As long as I learn from it and move forward.

Despite the bad, there was a lot of good, and I love my apartment now. Whereas last year I was miserable with a terrible upstairs neighbor, now I am top-floor living in my amazing new apartment that I moved into in June. And I have great friends who all helped me move on a HOT day. I got to hang out with my childhood best friend for the first time in about 14 years, and it was like no time had passed. I traveled to NYC and Orlando for work, Orlando was a great trip. We built a new team for trivia and I have gotten closer to some existing friends and made some new ones.

So what am I planning for 2018? Leaving the past in the past for one. If I want people in my life, then it’s that simple, they’ll be there. And the two friends I mentioned above, I do want them in my life. And it’s just a matter of figuring out the new dynamic. I want to read more, watch less TV. Move more and cook more. And work on my financial goals.

I never know what to call her, but the girl who does my workout DVDs, Chalene Johnson, is basically my guru lol. I follow her on social media, listen to her podcasts, workout with her, and she is basically my idol. She did a workshop on FB recently where she talked about her goal-setting method, and I think it will work for me. Breaking things down to a manageable level, so i’m excited to do that. Here’s the link to the video. Make sure you have about an hour to follow along. It’s really worth it! I am really excited as a result for this coming year. And I am not going to bash 2017 altogether. It was better than 2016 at least. But I am determined to make the most out of 2018.

Alright, where here is where I tell you see you next year 🙂 I am hoping to make this a twice weekly blog going forward.

Until next time!